Hello blog readers. Sorry I haven’t been up here in a while. I was sorting things out. I am no longer friends or best friends with Stephanie Kelly, and I’m okay with it. I actually feel a lot better without her. I feel free. It’s nice. I’m becoming more social. It’s weird though. I’m away from her and people like me. I mean I’m making friends now. I don’t really like it a lot, but it’s a nice feeling. There’s this guy I met from Vampirefreaks.com that I’m going to get coffee with, hopefully, this weekend. He’s blonde and I was very scared of blondes at one point in my life. I don’t know how I started liking him again. Last night I did a really stupid thing. I texted Eli. I know I’m supposed to hate him and never talk to him but I’ve learned to like the pain he causes. It’s really sickening, I know but, I can take it. I’m thinking of him as a concept now. No longer sunshine, no longer human. A concept. I hadn’t talk to him in a long time. I don’t really miss him. I just want something to do… In both sexual and non-sexual ways. I can’t help but wonder if he missed me at all. If he has any feelings for me… Sophie told me that Molly(This really weird girl with blonde hair. I thought her and Eli were going out but I guess they didn’t because he’s going out with a girl named Amanda. {I don’t know why but I rather have him go out with Molly than this Amanda chick.}) most likely had sex with him because they both came out of the boys bathroom after school one day. Personally, I think that is just really gross. The bathroom? Really?? The boys bathroom at school?? Ew.
As a Taurus female I am almost insatiable in the sex department & when I don’t have sex, I crave chocolate. I found this beautiful place in the forest behind my house. I think Eli might like it. I want to show it to him. Another secret place?? Yes. I don’t want him there EVER by himself. I don’t want him anywhere near my Forest with another girl. I think I’d kill them both. I’d kill him because the forest, MY forest is like a very special place that I go to be myself and not have to think. It’s my home away from home and I don’t like anyone being there. He was the exception. The one guy that will ever get to see that place. I’d kill her because he liked her enough to take her to OUR special place. The worst part is I wouldn’t get caught. It’s very urban where I live. The wolves would most likely eat the bodies. Ew!! I’m thinking about killing people. I don’t really think I would be able to kill him. Right now I’m wondering did I ever cause him any distress or pain or heart ace… I hope so. It’s a sweet thing it is. Pain. I have a dairy like book that I write in and I wrote a whole page about how much I miss the taste of him… I know it’s wrong. It can’t be human nature to want to bite him gently on his neck or to miss his sweet soft lips and his touch that always creates goose bumps on my body or How sometimes he’d be looking at me and I’d feel really nervous and wouldn’t be able to look him in the eyes or how when we walked some where he’d be the one to reach for my hand and slip his fingers in to mine. It felt like heaven on earth. I felt safe. I felt needed. He made me feel like I was loved. I miss that. I used to just stare at him sometimes trying to remember exactly how he looked & if he made eye contact with me while I was doing that, it would feel like a static shock ran through me and i had to immediately look away, but I’d look back at him and in my head I was asking if it was okay for me to do that. It’s how I fell in love with him. I was able to sit with him and do nothing and still be happy. It was pure bliss. I truthfully could not tell him no to save my life. Our first time together was very awkward… But I liked it. I remember he kept touching me and every fiber in my being told me to submit. I think he wanted me to say no, but i couldn’t bring myself to do it. I wanted him to keep going. I remember thinking “Can he hear my heart?
The way it beats; iratical.” After a while of this secret time together I started feeling a warm feeling in the middle of my chest. When I saw him I knew my heart beat got faster & I could barely breathe. And at school it was the worst. I could feel myself start to blush but I wanted to be around him & everything he did was super amazing. I wanted him to try to talk to me. I wanted to be friend in school and out of school. I never really get what I want. One day he told me he had been with more than just me. I told him I didn’t care but to be truthful I was really hurt. I don’t know why. It’s not like we were really together. I felt so betrayed and at the same time silly. At some point I told him how I felt but he didn’t feel the same. at first I didn’t understand. I thought you’re supposed to give your virginity to some one you’re in love with. I got really self-destructive after that. I didn’t like what I was feeling. Sometimes I would forget about him and my day would be good, but my nights where I was alone broke me every time. I would lay alone and this emptiness would just was over me & I’d feel like I was drowning. I had so many panic attacks over him. I remember seeing him once at school and he was sitting with some girl and I was so Jealous. I wasn’t it to hit me so hard but I started having a panic attack right there. I ran to the girls bathroom and locked myself in a stall. It lasted for a long time and I ended up crying. The hopelessness I felt was overbearing. When I got home I slept the rest of that day. There was one time where I wanted him to stay the night at my house. I texted him that and he replied with something about his girlfriend. At that moment I hated him. I wished he’d disappear. After that I wanted to erase him from my head. I wanted to erase him from my heart as well. But for I think the 2nd time in history he texted me and I caved like a house made of straw. But I tried to keep myself away from him. I wanted to hurt him so told him what I wanted to do and that I want him to leave me alone. He said “fine”. But I couldn’t do it. but after a short time I missed him. For some reason he let me go over his house. (He has 3 dogs but I only really like one and it’s the biggest one and it’s so cute and charming. >.<) At some point he began to annoy me. I got over it when I got my way. He kept texting and I really didn’t like it. Afterwards I felt really awkward. I mean his doggies were loving me and I was OVERLY LOVING THEM!!! I wanted him to pay attention to me but I felt like he was done with me for that day. He drove me around at some point and took me to the park. (He also has this really pretty blade that I wanted. I mean it was beautiful. ) At some point I wanted a kiss while at the park and when he said no I felt that pain again. I wanted to go home. I want him today.. I want him everyday.. I have to go. Bye.
delusionalmonsters 